She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
