my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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