matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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