i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
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They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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