My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
