had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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