Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
