i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize