Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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