He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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