her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
