I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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