she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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