I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
