My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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