look no pants
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
