I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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