This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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