it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize