I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
