FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
