i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
