did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
