My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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