There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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