Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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