You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
love makes seman taste better
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
