I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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