i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
