fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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