I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
