my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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