I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
