Jerry, you need to find god
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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