this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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