I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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