I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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