Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
