why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My ass is underappreciated
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize