so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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