On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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