I wanna passion pit in your ass
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
