i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I met the friendliest cop last night
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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