he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
