what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
