I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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