I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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