i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
