FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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