Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
