Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
