he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
