It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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