when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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