Jerry, you need to find god
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
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